written January 2006
It’s me, Will, but then You already knew that. I won’t take much of Your time because Your services could definitely be used in other areas than listening to a guy in Norfolk, Virginia. It’s just that I have some questions, You see, and I thought for once I’d cut through all the red tape and talk to the Cosmic CEO. Some things just trouble me, Lord. I really didn’t know how mad You were at America until the mayor of New Orleans, Ray Nagin, said on Monday, “God is angry at America. He sent us hurricane after hurricane, and it’s destroyed and put stress on our country.” Here I thought it was just a bunch of weather systems forming and colliding together, but at least now I know differently. Before I could come to You to ask why, Nagin was able to pass along Your reasoning: “He doesn’t approve of us being in Iraq under false pretenses. But surely he is upset at black America. It’s time to for us to re-build New Orleans- the one that should be a chocolate New Orleans. This city will be a majority African-American city. It’s the way God wants it to be. You can’t have New Orleans no other way.” (The man has been through too much for me to point out a double-negative) This is what I’m wondering then, God: why was there even a hurricane sent to New Orleans? Since you and Mr. Nagin are on speaking terms, perhaps you can explain to me why the very next day he would apologize for what You want and hope for more, certain destruction, saying “I want everyone to be welcome in New Orleans- black, white, Asian, everybody.” I suppose this all but guarantees another hurricane.
Another question while I have you, God. Ever heard of someone named Pat Robertson? No? Really? Well, he sure knows you. Maybe it’ll come to You in a moment. Just last week Robertson stated that the stroke woed unto Ariel Sharon was because a bunch of land had been given back to people next door called Palestinians. I understand that when You really get down to it, this is all Your place and we’re just renting, but I wonder sometimes why some dirt You like better than other dirt, like that strip along the Jordan. Have you been out to Colorado recently? That’s sorta nice too, and less blood. But like I said, Earth is your baby and sometimes we just get attached to things for sentimental reasons. Some would never part with their first car, no matter how rusted-out it now is, because it’s where a first kiss happened. Maybe the Holy Land is like Your own rusted-out car.
We all have things we hold on to, but Robertson said last fall that you would rather have Hugo Chavez, the president of Venezuela, do a little less living. Now I’ve read the Old Testament, and that was your thing a long time ago, but around 33 AD You said, “Mistakes hath been made, and we should all just move on, okay?” I mean, I don’t know Hugo Chavez, and maybe he does deserve to be whacked, but was it smart to blow your cover and leak it Pat Robertson? I’m just trying to be helpful. One last thing you let slip to Robertson that has always bothered me was that 9/11 was caused by homosexuals and feminists, in that you allowed your protective shield over us to disappear because of them. Please excuse the tardiness of this question, as it been some time. But the end result of this has been to attack Iraq and Afghanistan, who view these two groups just as disdainfully. So are we just making it worse on ourselves? I mean, we’re attacking a group in Afghanistan—who is almost as hard-lined about gays and today’s women as You apparently are—so are they weirdly supposed to be our allies, and You’re just getting madder and madder? Sorry for the confusion. I’d be happy to be the one to pass something along this time, if I can be a help so You don’t have to worry about constantly being a bother to Mr. Robertson.
Finally God, as I see You have to begin to monitor a critical epidemic of starvation in Kenya, one last thing. I love it, and You love it, so let’s talk as sports fans. I know You have Your teams, and You try not to play favorites, but when a player raises his hands to the sky after scoring a touchdown it’s evident You had money riding on the game. My question is only: how do You pick which You decide to bless? Does a player score points with You if he only gives You credit after a win, but is mum after a loss? That shows a lot of humbleness. I know you were watching the Colts game Sunday, God, because only You could have caused Mike Vanderjact to miss that badly. Amen.