written November 25, 2012
In honor of a recent New York Times restaurant review by Pete Wells:
Love Smith, did you show your face at practice this week in preparation for San Francisco? Have you watched game film of the 49ers and made it available to players? Did you help draw up the game plan? Did they live up to your expectations?
Did panic grip your soul when Colin Kaepernick– making his first NFL start ever—effortlessly zinged a touchdown throw to go up early 7-0, or when the Bears responded with a mea culpa sacking of Jason Campbell? When you led your fabled “Monsters of the Midway” you led onto the field, did you for-see millions of Americans soon clutching at arm rests in fear?
When did you notice that the plays being called by coach Michael Tice did not resemble the bug-on-windshield result that followed? Being California, did you mistake tackle Gabe Carimi’s performance for a Hollywood stuntman being blown back by an explosion? Was Charles Tillman’s “Peanut Punch” as flavorless from where you stood on the sideline too? When, late in the game, Chicago’s yardage-gained-per-play was still was less than 1.0, why wasn’t a forfeit called? These guys have families.
What exactly about the offensive line wasn’t? Had you ever heard of “illegal batting,” committed by tackle Chico Rachal in the in-zone after another Campbell fumble? Me either.
It may go down as a single loss, and the Bears might one day recover, but permanent damage might have been done. Well into the third quarter I swear I saw my girlfriend out of the corner of my eye, warily sizing up my ability to make solid life decisions.