My Future Predictions


December 9, 1996
 Tuesday

None of us know for certain what we will one day be in the future.  Even a few years out is hard, especially at this age of so my choices and directions.  Hence, I have provided all you wonderful people with the answer to “what will the world be like (in my small corner of it) in–let’s say five years out– the year 2001.

1.  The Chicago Cubs let me play outfield out of the goodness of their hearts, and without me first having cancer, even thought I am an absolute liability, toting a .034 batting average (I can’t believe I got a hit!).  I will also be married to a person, probably, that is an alum of Western.  The details are a bit hazy on this.

2. Hoke rules his own train empire.  Unfortunately, it is not his first desire, Burlington-Northern.  He never quite raised enough cash for the real-world kind, and has had to settle for the electric variety, which he now happily runs in his expanded basement train room.

3. Sidney finally got her foot in the door of the medical profession.  Unfortunately, it is of the mental ward type.  It seems the strain of school was just too much, and one extra elective sent her over.  Though, when the X-Files isn’t filming, David Duchovny just happens to candy-stripe at her facility, so she is very happy.

4.  Les Rose, with his brain turned to mush from video games, tears out what hair remains and escapes to the underworld to plot.  Just what he hasn’t decided on yet.

5. Reagan Potter lives on the lam, after following Troy Aikman around for several months that drew the attention of authorities.

6.  Jake Pruitt, turned solider-of-fortune after a dishonorable discharge from the Salvation Army, heads for the border in a souped-up Winnabego.

7. Will Davies also turned mercenary, because he can’t find a town that loves him.  I thought of offering him some attic space, but then thought better of it.  We hear he is making his way to Brazil…

8. Wyll  Yates, tied of being a farmer, tries his luck at the World’s Strongest Man contest (some call him “Sass,” for Sasquastch).  When he comes in second by a thousandth of a point he eats the Danish judge.

10.  The Hub is finally closed and demolished, but the local-yokels have yet it figure it out.  Every Friday and Saturday night they all still convene in Edlestein and just stand around the now-empty lot, singing “Watermelon Crawl” like the old days and having fun, fun, fun.

11.  In 2001 Sammy Sosa leads the Cubs in their greatest feat of the new millennium: they win a game.  Then the fans begin thinking they have a chance at the Fall Classic.  Of course they fail, but Harry Caray’s frozen head is there to sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” and everyone is happy again.

12. On May 2, 2001 Shaquille O’Neal finally makes a free-throw … and celebrates with a dunk.

13.  Holly Andrews is accepted to Illinois to pursue a career in medicine.  She would have passed the final exam but she got in a wreck on the way.

14. Emma Reed becomes a pig farmer after winning bronze at the 2000 Olympics in Sydney, Australia.  Unhappy with her third place finish on the world stage, she suddenly decides life should be lived in the moment, and happiness is all that is needed.  And that’s the last we’ve seen of her.

15.  Leslie K, always having wanted seven children, has the first and declares, “Never again!”  Leslie goes on to help all the needy children in the world who are already here, and the while having a big smile on her face.

16. Ainsley Lagerstein wins the lottery, yet never sees a dime of it, as she uses all of her winnings to pay for Holly Andrews’ car insurance.

17. As for the rest of the world in 2001… the lunch ladies now charge $3.25 for what they served last Tuesday.  A Carbon-14 test is done on the potato triangles… Colin Klimt went on to, well, I’d just rather not say… Jim Camp, desperate to get out of the shoe-selling business at Holmes in Northwoods Mall, (against his better judgement) takes my old job at LG Seeds counting corn…

You heard it here,

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