January 19, 1997 Sunday
Slowly, this journal has been in transition. In my first volume, I laid some a rather simplistic groundwork. The curtain was raised. The players introduced. Of the four volumes now written, I have to say this one, the first, is my least favorite. It’s not really all that bad, but it suffers from my more rudimentary perceptions two years ago. A lot of possibilities were missed, I realize. The beginning of volume two, Is This The Fun? covering the early fall, seems bland now, as I wasn’t sure what direction this project was taking. The first thing was to making this more real, put meat on the bones of these pages. Had I not experimented with (Ugh), “An Emma Moment”, that preceded “The War of the Rose,” would have left the reader understanding diddly-squat about the later story.
I am happy about how second installment turned out. My writing was improving a bit, and my world was expanding. The highlights of this volume include the class trip to Mexico, Homecoming, and some fairly insightful letters from friends. Of all four volumes, this is my most favorite. The people I was writing about were becoming more clearly defined. Their very personalities began to show. I also started to look at myself more closely, and how I related to everyone else.
The third volume. Except for using the first ten pages of it to showcase my detective story, I was happy about the way it turned out. The journal started to evolve. Instead of mainly highlighting daily events, I wanted to explore how I perceived myself and others. So you could be as informed as possible, I descended into the maelstrom, reviewed my Top 12, and did a little predicting. I also began inserting some smaller pieces of creative writing.
And that brings us to this fourth volume. Truthfully, I don’t know what to make of it. Sometimes it just seems too cerebral, messily searching. The dreams entry was fine. Maybe it was just too many poems… I seemed bitter about the whole Hub fiasco, but that’s what I was shooting forsome days. Perhaps I overused symbolism, though I do like the part about “voices fading into echoes” and “dream-like vagueness.” That was about as accurate as I could get to show how I felt. I suppose that it is good to get all these problems of mine down. I would be unrealistic to think only sunshine and jolly thoughts could fill these pages. I just plan to tone it down, as this volume was, on the average, a downer for me.
For a long time I wasn’t satisfied with my journal. I felt it didn’t show all of the aspects of the only reality I know. I was concerned if anything happened to me the entire story wouldn’t be told. I knew it wasn’t complete, but I also didn’t know what to write to make it so.
As experiences presented themselves, I was able to write my thoughts and reactions. The entries began piling up, until, finally, almost all of my sides have been dealt with. I am confident now that this journal could accurately represent me. Now all there is to do is build what has come before.
Which brings me to the number after four: five. The title, I Have Just Begun to Write, says it all.