March 26, 1997 Wednesday
I have only a few things to say today, but I think they are important. I am feeling complications where they shouldn’t be any. Now, Hoke and Sidney aren’t trying to be openly mean, but there have been in the last few days a number of private discussions and the appearance of inside-jokes. I don’t know how to explain how this makes me feel right now. I tried just try to not pay attention, because it is probably just a passing thing, and I also do know they are my friends and would never purposefully reject me.
These are the times that I hate my journal. I despise only being able to collect my thoughts of paper, and seldom in conversation. My life is not a bound book for one self, and this journal was never meant to be an “imaginary friend” I could tell my frustrations to. Life is supposed to be lived and not to scribbled about in the margins. Sometimes I wish I could start over. All over. And say to the world of strangers, “Hi, I’m Will. How are you?” I cannot be changed in the eyes of others for, no matter how hard I try, they will see what is before them, and what the experiences of me has taught them. If these words feel like a boil, a very healthy amount is directed at myself, because I don’t want to the cause of storms, and would like a more agile mouth that, with a joke or few words, would calm the waves that occasionally swell up in life.
On a much lighter sidee, Colin and I are going to Ducky’s tomorrow at ten. Gotta look our best for Prom. Tomorrow starts our five-day Spring Break. An extended weekend is just what I need.
Saturday is the Alumni banquet.
In the lunch line Sidney asked me why I went out for baseball. “After all,” she said, selecting tator tots with a quick “please” and a point, “You don’t like practice, and you don’t play in the games.” I said it would take awhile to explain well. I went on to say, snatching a chocolate milk from the cooler, that I hoped to play in later games, but no one was really listening.
Let me tell you now, as I have moment, to explain why I went out for baseball (because some excellent points were raised above). As I said in line, if I hadn’t gone out I would regret it. I had to prove to myself that I could do it, even if it’s just getting through practices. And, I wanted to keep up with the others. And I wanted to take batting practice in the cages. And I wanted to shag high, loping flies in the afternoon sun. I knew I wouldn’t play before I signed up. I love baseball. To have a bat in my hands, to round the bases, to whip the ball into the cut off man just right. I had to give myself a last chance to live out my dreams; dreams that really don’t want any part of me. That is why I went out.