My Entire Foot is Lodged in My Mouth

April 28, 1997  Monday

I wonder what she must be thinking.  What I ham-fistedly told Sidney yesterday and how we acted Saturday at prom is at opposite ends of the spectrum.  Probably the last thing she expected me to say was that she was a good friend.  I didn’t explain myself very well, and I was hesitant, in all my inexperience, to plunge into the unknown of exploring a relationship with Sidney.  I just don’t want anything to go wrong, and think if it might, it’ll simply be because of me.  But I do know one thing: I was my authentic self, enjoying her company immensely.

The Trig test I didn’t/couldn’t study for was easy.  I think Mr. Wentworth was taking some mercy on us, and more than anything needed the grades in his book.  During second hour a drama group from Spoon River College came and performed.  They did a good job, but some of the more creative skits were a little strange.

I’m in “Media Experience” right now.  I just finished watching the tapes that have prom and the drinking enactmentt on it.  About the little amount of sleep I’ve had the last three nights, I’m a little worried how awake I am.  Sidney didn’t bring more journal pages.  She also didn’t have either bracelet on.  This is not surprising, considering what she must have thought.  My feelings had not changed; I only worded it completely wrong.  I await tonight.

*    *    *    *   *

Sidney stayed after the game.  After a walk to Casey’s I challenged her to a another race.  I, hobbled and having a cup on, beat her easily.  I may beat her in a very short distance, but I would have to be out of my mind to take her up on a couple of miles–she would flat-out kill me.  As we sat in the bleachers I really didn’t know how to start it off, choosing from the many things I was thinking, and wanting to just a lay her worries.  Later we talked about people who had liked was a little too much.  I told Sidney about a girl during the WIU writing festival in April that wouldn’t leave me alone, though her unstable co-worker from the Jubliee Cafe beat my story.  We attract some characters, huh (there I go again, writing to a specific person again).  Anywho, she had the idea that yesterday afternoon at my house, when I asked if she had anything to tell me, that I referring to one thing.  Actually, I was remembering what she had written about Mr. Marks helping her, and I wondered if there were any recent things.  Sidney said he had helped her through an extremely hard time.  I don’t take lightly problems others have.  I don’t dismiss them because they’re not my own.  It’s like a friend that runs at the first sign of danger, leaving the other to fend for himself. I would stay.  Remember the passage in English, from “For Whom the Bell Tolls?”  Basically, it said that the problems of one person are the burden of all.  That way the load is lightened.

After more completely true statements about how I am never clear on anything, I had her take a look at my only clear voice, my journal.  She took a look at my last entry, “Prom.”  I think then she understood.  She might have gotten that I’ve bene dealing with all this from own my side, and it’s new for me, with it’s own complications, but still very much worth it.  She said she had gotten a lot of questions, and kidding from people, like Reagan (called it).  I get asked about us now too, and some of it comes at baseball, when you are sitting in the stands at games.  I wouldn’t mind so much, but Lance happens to be in the dugout as well.  It’s a little awkward.  She also added that she had a crush on me, about two years ago.  I really can’t imagine why; I never talked to her back then (oh…that’s why).  She told me that, while it isn’t a raging inferno of passion (my words), she does like me.  Great, because that’s how I feel as well.  Honestly, (wait, perhaps I’ve done enough of that recently) this night leaves me with more questions than I began with.

[Wrote out several questions here, in my well-meaning but at the same slightly pushy young novice-ness, that amounted to “now what?”]

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