May 2, 1997 Friday
Brown-Bag-It, a day of school groups singing in downtown Peoria, was originally cancelled, but somehow most of the most of the school went. Mrs. Nelson we letting anyone who wanted to go, and some just went to sit and get out of class. I took some pictures instead of doing much sitting. The rest of the day, events swirling around me in my life, I put how in feel, all-in-all, in the letter I wrote to Sidney tonight, so I will use that as my journal entry.
I have trudged through the merciless storm to give the dove a message. So, how was Brown-Bag-It today? Were you surprised to me? As soon as I saw everyone else that was getting to leave, I went to the office to find Mrs. Nelson. I was quickly before her, saying, “I can sing! I can sing!” until she basically got sick of me, and added me to the list. The point is I got to go. Imagine my surprise when you, Debrah Rush, April Gatson, and Becca Meeks began singing “Unchained Melody.” Who suggested it? As you probably saw, I saw sure to take a picture, which now resides next to my computer (don’t tell Mrs. Cardiff). Did you know Hoke now calls me one of the Righteous Brothers? You probably did. The mild kidding is no problem, like April Gatson and Erica today. And I couldn’t care less about what some think. Most of this just because it’s a new thing.
Another question you brought up is if I tell others more than I tell you, about all of this. There is one person I talk to, and that is Colin. We have discussed a wide range of subjects this year, more than we really have at any other time. Colin will listen to anything to have to say. However, I don’t talk to him for the expressed purpose of keeping secrets, or something like that. Usually I tell him how I feel, and options I have come up with, and he’s helps me chose the best plan of action. Back when I had those weird dreams, I was sure to tell him every detail. Do I talk to many others about you than Colin? Not really. I never exactly spoke to Nate Mullins about it either. I basically just told him about prom. It must have been not what I said, but how I said it. Sometimes I know people have to read between the lines with me, but the message I am getting at is always there. Yet, if everyone was aware, like you said, I must be more translucent than I thought.
For my next trick, I’m going to try my best to relate (in chronological order) the events in my mind that led us here. I will use these pages to reconstruct it. Honestly, except for my freshman year, if was for me our junior year that I began talking to you, and mostly it began because you sat across from me with Regan Potts, while I shared a lab table with Les Rose. I began thinking of you are a good friend when you begin throwing away our tables trays at lunch (good help…), and I would see you at the basketball games, and impressed you would sing the national anthem. I you remember, it was me that asked you if you would want to go Star Wars with the group. I don’t know if my subconscious was already at work or not, but on February 24, 1997, had the first of what I colorfully refer to as the “Death Dreams.” Let me share what I wrote.
That was the first of the dreams, but by no means the last. There dreams, I believe, were trying to figure out my relationship to you, and seemed to understand my feelings at some level were changing. But they also show my social dynamic could/would change because if it. These dreams made me wonder their meanings, examine how I felt about you. From this came my first realization of interest. Strange, I know.
I’m sorry for skipping around, but I overlooked what I wrote on December 2, 1996. In that entry I wrote about each person in my Top 12 list, and here is yours:
“My friendship with Sidney has really blossomed since last year. In fact, the first mention of Sidney on my journal was on page 15; now she appears on as many pages as Hoke. She has become such a staple in my day, that I named her a while back my “second-string-best-friend.”
Now back to your regularly scheduled commentary.
The next step was your letter. Though yes, depressing, it was unimaginably interesting. My attention had been gotten. I asked you to prom the following Monday morning, but that weekend I was very preoccupied. In my journal I wrote, “I have to ask myself the nature of my involvement.” I was figuring out if, yes, I thought we should try to change our relationship at the time, that was going so well.
I set the date on which I became interested fully on April 2nd. On that date you stayed after the game, through two and half hours of some walking and mostly talking, I had a fabulous time. I was because of these talks, unlike I had had with anyone else, compiled with such things as our times in Homeroom, that I wanted to get you the b-day roses. I knew for I felt, but wasn’t sure if committing to something new might change how well we were connecting at the time. I didn’t want that ruined. I finally got an idea of her you felt when you wrote your booklet to me. Anyway, the time we went to see The Saint is as good an example as any. Perhaps a couple of months or weeks previous I would have thought, “I’m going to going to see a movie with Hoke and Co.” Now I thought, “Sidney will be there.”
You basically know the rest.
I had a jarring occurrence in English today (no, Mr. Beres didn’t ask me another question). In My Fair Lady, now that we’ve finished Pygmalion, there was a scene and it was eerily parallel to my own journal. Anyway, Henry Higgins tells Eliza he cannot live without hearing her voice and seeing her face. In response, she retorts that he would have photographs and recordings of her voice to keep him company. Bluntly, Higgins replies he wold be without her soul. That hit me. By the time graduation comes I will have over 300 pages of records and memories, but how much will they mean without the people who made them? I will soon find out.
I was rambling on, but it ties into what I am about to say. I have contacted Knox, and have looked into some information of what it would take to transfer from Western at some point, perhaps even as early as the fall. I am doing this for several reasons. First, it is much closer to than Macomb, and when you consider Dad works in nearby Knoxville, I could go home any night I needed to. In addition, almost my entire extended family is based around the Galesburg area. Trisha and Ray’s (I still refer to my cousin’s house as such, even though Trisha is away at college in Oregon) is only a couple blocks away. The smaller student body is also very attractive. The only question is the increased cost, but with art and writing scholarships I should make it. What would you think of me coming to Knox?