June 11, 2006 Sunday
I must make it a point to be more depressed more often, what good it will do for my spirits! No, I have not gone mad, but God do I wish I already was.
At two of my lower points in the last months you have come that perfect, movie clichéd moment. I cannot yet talk about this morning– I will as soon as I’m allowed– but sufficed to say it was something the average person does not experience in their day. But everyone is safe, luckily. Yet in the end what did I have waiting of me but two postcards and a card from the one person who can return the beat to my heart and the stagnant blood to my body. I like the postcard of from the museum too; you definitely should be proud of being Native. And yes, I did know about Yorktown and Cornwallis surrendering there. Extra credit: the victory could not have been won if not for the French fleet sitting within sight of the British, cutting off their escape route. So those that complain about the French should really be thanking them, because the US wouldn’t exist without them (and that’s without even factoring in the Louisiana Purchase), and the diplomatic finesse of Benjamin Franklin.
I also got a kick out of the stamps you used–Dr. Seuss and Charlotte’s Web— you know me too well. Best of all was the card and all that you filled it with. Do you really want to be a senator for New Mexico? There isn’t a doubt in my mind that all you would have to do is want it, and you would win a seat. The quote by Jack Kerouac was just what I needed, there could have been no better sage advice offered in the moment for me. But it is bitter to my eyes to know such a life is possible. For days now I have witnessed people living life to the fullest, actually enjoying the day and their life, and it makes me jealous. But your words are true, and they sting for that very reason. I will put your card downward next to the computer, and will have it to remind me daily that such things are possible, and one day soon I will be make to make good on such a blazing life.
For now, it is a taunt of a future fantasy. I am not being negative, just reporting reality. Every day we are assailed by bitter, uniformed men who constantly beat us down by telling us we’re retarded, dumb asses, and lazy mother fuckers. I do not listen, but all the same I hear. And it wears. This is just one example, but the Chief Engineer has been drunk several times on this few days long port visit, and when he has come back he has been very disruptive. Two nights ago he went down to Engineering berthing and starting pulling people from their beds, challenging them to fight. I’m probably not even supposed to be saying this, as it might be disrespectful to the chain of command, but in my opinion the act itself was a display of its own compromise.