May 21, 1997 Wednesday
[Because of the passing of time or the inconsistency of mid-90s printers, this entry must be joined slightly in progress. Apologies]
…up that the thing she doesn’t like about her mom is that she always buys her things; things Sidney doesn’t even need. She then went on to talk about how her mom constantly worries about her. She hates that. At the time I took what she was facing at face value. Only now do I realize it could be applied to me , too.
By the above print, it could be taken that my time out in Peoria with Sidney did not go well, but that is only half-true. When she arrived at Applebees, we talked until our food came, so good start. It wan fun to listen to her again. Afterwards, she for some reason drove almost completely around Peoria. I really don’t understand why, but I think I have asked her enough questions this month. We found our way back into Peoria, because I thought she might still want to do something, but after a stop at Toys R Us (I don’t know), I said it would be alright to just go home. The entire time I didn’t say much–not because I did not want to, but because I couldn’t think of anything helpful. I wanted to sound interesting to her, but nothing came to mind. Before I say anything more, I do have to thank her for coming at all, which she wasn’t obliged to do. Also, yes, I can’t promise that she will do great at State, but I do wish her all the best.
Finally, I wanted to do this tonight to show both of us that we could do things as friends. I don’t know how successful our experiment was. I just can’t see her as a chummy buddy. The night didn’t go as I predicted, but that’s my own fault, for always planning things out. Again, thank you for going with me. I do appreciate it. I do wonder if I will ever get to try out my theory of what Sidney was doing tonight. I will not try to call again, but I seriously doubt she will call of her own accord. Except for the postcard from Europe I wonder if I will hear from her for a while. She has such a hard time talking about it at all. What she has in her own journal now is too personal for her, and my questions might go forever answered, even the good things. I didn’t want to go backwards, and in this instance we did go backwards. No, not backwards to an earlier point, but backwards in terms of…oh, I don’t know, but something.
I have been trying to think of how to write this part. I’m not trying to change minds here, but I do want to say something. To me, Emma was special to me from a distance for years, but if you reads my many pages two years ago I didn’t know how to classify it. She fell in the category of a super-extended crush. She was the fist girl I simplistically “liked,” but that term is not adequate. I never thought of her as a conventional, literal romance. She straddled a line between adolescence and childhood. Next up is Ainsley and Holly Andrews. Truthfully, I enjoyed the times we talked, and I did look forward to the Hub back then, but I was pretty happy at the level our relationship was. There was a lot of distance. It was several months later that I started liking you. Coming to that conclusion was extremely difficult. I was quite happy with you as my second-string-best-friend. My mind would chant, early on, “She’s a friend, she’s a friend.” I had never kissed a girl before you. I hadn’t met that person. The week of silence–the week of undoing–was hell. I want a relationship with one person that is important to me. I do wonder how this will all affect me in the future. I don’t know.
How much time do we have? Not much. If we do do anything ever again, I don’t want it to be awkward. The best memory I have is the long talk we had first one of our first games. We talked as friends, with nothing to get in the way. That is what I wanted tonight to be like, but it wasn’t. Perhaps in time we will find ourselves again.