The Decision

May 30, 1997 Friday

I’m starting to get back to the summer groove.  Translation: it’s only midday and I’m already dressed.

Sidney never called back about going to a movie, group or no group.  Early this afternoon I called her, and Cilla her sister answered.  I asked if Sidney was home.  I was going to ask for some of my writings back, before she leaves for Europe on Monday.  Cilla said hold on a minute, and then went through the house called for her.  There was some conversation in the background, but maybe it was the TV.  Finally, Cilla returned and said Sidney wasn’t home.  I hated that I had a shimmer of doubt.  Calling her when she doesn’t call me is hard enough.

After I hing up I went for a walk.  A really long walk.  While traversing all of north-west Elmwood, I thought about a lot of things.  I discussed with myself the best plan of action for this summer.  I wondered how I would keep busy all throughout when I couldn’t keep busy for a day.  Sure, getting a job crossed my mind, but there would be a lot of logistical and car issues–and I might not be hired.  I asked myself what I thought I should do, and I answered myself.  The more I thought about it, the better I liked it.

When I got home I was getting more certain this is what I should do.  I told Mom, and although she was skeptical in the beginning, thankfully will a phone call it was all set up. I want to do this.  I know what you are thinking, but I am thinking rationally, and Sidney had only a small, indirect influence on my decision.  At the present I am too idle for my own good.  Time–or my specifically, empty time–is my enemy.  I need new experiences so I forget my hallowness.  Besides, the summer session will be more laid back, and give me time to get used to college before the fall hits.  I am trying my best to begin my genesis.  It is unfortunate only an exodus will provide it.

Just before I left tonight for my cousin Ray’s own high school graduation, I called Sidney for the final time.  Again, it was Cilla who answered.  I asked her to give her older sister a message, because Sidney still wasn’t at home.  I told I would prefer if my writings were returned before she leaves for vacation, because when she returns I will be gone.  That was as specific as I got.  Even though it is assured I will see her before she leaves across the Atlantic, I wonder how far in the future it will be when I see her again.  Will this be the goodbye?  I don’t know.

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