December 6, 1997 Saturday
For some time I have asked myself questions. Why am I keeping such close contact with Sidney? Why do I make so much out of it all, hear a song and say, “Hm, yeah, Baby Grand, I like the sound of that…” She is my friend, yes, but what makes me drop everything and come home for her? This will make it the third time. All week I had been waiting to hear if she might be able to come to Western, but she was unable because her parents had been away, and she had to play back home. Friday night she did write, explained the situation she was in, and said she was going to be at Christmas Walk this weekend, but didn’t know whether she would be seeing me there or not. When I got back to my room I called Mom to have her come to Macomb. Every time I come home it is for her.
Tonight I was again at it, walking uptown to the square. I had been in the park a few minutes, and was making my way across the street, when a green Audi honked at me. A few minutes later we were together, going in and out of stores with her sister Cilla. It wasn’t more than an hour later that she had to leave. I had planned on asking her to come back with me tomorrow–maybe– but I didn’t.
I think I have totally recovered from last spring, and can in all honesty call her my friend. Yet I still remember how alive I felt with her. I am content with the present, because I can do nothing about it. Sidney is away at Knox, building a whole new life, and good for her to have all of that. My role has shrunk to that of a keyboard buddy. I have tried very hard to keep these ties current and relevant. I must confess, I am waiting for the future. At least, I am keeping my mind open to a possible future, that may or may not ever appear. I might go another path entirely very soon, and I cannot see it ahead of me. I don’t know. For her side, right now she is with Neville, and may be with him for quite a while. She may or may not ever move onto other guys, or simply stay with him…indefinitely. I am okay with it, because there is nothing I can do about it. Yet, what if, years from now… But that is a very slim possibility. Last Tuesday, for example, my Sociology professor told us that tendency for people to find their spouses in college is very high. I myself will probably find my wife at Western. All I’m saying is “what if.” That’s all. After all, Sidney once told me, many months ago at the end, it takes twice as long to forget as the time they went out. That would mean, using that formula, I would have been over her lickity split a few days after graduation. I must find something special about her if a part of me can still feel this way. I suppose it’s alright, but we’ll have to see what the future has in store. Steve Martin said in L.A. Story, “A kiss may not be the truth, but it’s what we wished were true.”
After we left each other at the Christmas Walk, I drove to Farmington and rented a few movies. One of them was entitled Only You. In it, a girl is told by her Ouji board when she was twelve the name of the man she would marry. She is about to be married when she stumbled upon a man actually named that the game foretold, Damon Bradley. She then flies to Italy to follow him, but he is almost one step ahead of her. She meets another man who tells her his name is Damon, but it turns out he was lying. She continues the search, and that is as far as I have gotten before Dad told me to shut it off and go upstairs. Of course we all know she will end up with the second, fake Damon, because the real Damon Bradley will turn out to be a jerk. But she will have to jump through a mile of hoops to figure it out.
It was a corny, sentimental movie I needed to see. Not because it’s all that great, or I will remember for years, but because it was narrative mortar that helped me fill in the cracks I have been feeling recently. And because it dealt with destiny of the heart. A person cannot get so wrapped up with what they term “destiny” that they miss what could really be their destiny. That’s what I was trying to get to above, with some success. Being a strong romantic, I do believe in soulmates, and that there is a person out there for each of us. I will meet that person one day, if I have not already. You never know, so you must always be ready. That is what happened to old people who are still alone–they were staring at their shoes when their soulmate walked by.