Alex: What is Love?

November 2, 1998  Monday

September 19th will probably be a date I always remember; it is not as prominent as the second of April or the sixth of May, but memorable in its own right.

The day began by way of the annual Delta Tua Delta “Big Wheels” contest.  Big Wheels is quintessential college behavior, with teams riding children’s plastic trikes down a heavily inclined street.

That night there was a party at the Pike house, and the night was nearly over, when, while standing outside, I began talking to this really cute, short blonde girl, but looked just like a five foot one Heather Locklear.  The conversation went about as smoothly as it could have, yet in about ten minutes of time she said she was getting a ride back to get back to her dorm, Bayliss.  I asked if I could catch a ride back to my own residence hall too, so while going back to Lincoln I thought quickly about how I could get the name of this girl (just asking did not seem to occurring me at the moment).  So when the car pulled up I shook hands with her and said I hadn’t just a name.  She said I wouldn’t want it, which sounded like a rejection, but she quickly added he last name (Rizko) had a difficult spelling.  She said I could call some time, and that is how I met Alex.

I waited three days to call her, wanting to do all the things that someone made up that you are supposed to do, finally giving her a ring that next Tuesday.  I believe we talked for about ten minutes, and we decided we would both go to the party at Chandler, and would meet there.  I don’t remember most thing, hence all the writing, but I still remember her showing up in jeans and a white t-shirt, with little white cardigan in case it rained.  The most interesting thing about the time we spent with each other was that she instantly liked me, greeting me with an excited smile.  Perhaps that was partly from being a freshman, generally still getting used to the environment.  So, for the next six weeks I saw her or was in some way in touch with her every day.  One night, a few weeks later, we went to see West Side Story (w didn’t sit together, as we had different section numbers on our tickets, but that’s another story), and then when we returned to Bayliss.  It was then that the twist came to our relationship.  While once quizzing her for a test I was looking through her notebook when I came across a heart with “I love Will” in it.  She me see it and was a little embarrassed.

I should have been able to think of Alex as pretty perfect.  She was beautiful, intelligent, funny, loved the Beatles, and made me cookies for our one-month anniversary.  Yet, like a curse, she was missing something that I am not able to put into words if I had a hundred pages in which to write it.  Simply, she did not challenge me inspire a fire in me that I want from a satisfying relationship that will have sustained momentum.

By mid-October I had begun to really think about of this, as it had begun to weigh on me.  On a Monday at the end of the month we went to Crush Steal, a party at the Mill that the Chi-Os (which she was rushing) brought dates to.  I knew a question would soon come, because of course we had been labeled a couple for a while.  She asked about our future and asked my thoughts that night.  I told her I wanted to tell her a perfect way, and would do it soon.  I bought a card and was planning to write a terrific long song for her that would answer her questions.  Yet when I sat down to write it something wasn’t working.  I couldn’t write the song because I didn’t believe what I was scribbling down.  I knew that she liked me more than I liked her, and to me I it felt like lying if I meant her growing feelings like the same in lyrics.  I have only said, “I love you” once, and I meant it, and I was determined to protect it from frivolity.  The card laid on my desk for a few days untouched.  I knew by Friday what I had to do.  God knows it was hard.  Alright, let’s just get it out that I did it over the phone, and I admit the mistake.  The crying, the needing of the reason, and all I had was a nagging feeling myself.  So that Halloween I went out alone with a heavy heart because I could only guess how she felt.  No, I know exactly how she felt.  I will do anything to not hurt a person, and it was small comfort know that night’s pain was small compared to letting a lop-sided relationship go on.

But let’s please talk about other things.  During the night I met a person named Matt Hartsle.  I came walking up a house party with Collinsville, and he recognized a guy from his high school class, a guy in the front yard drinking from a small bottle of Wild Turkey.  He seemed like an alright guy, and now he might be living with us the house we looking into for next year.

Since really the beginning of the semester I have been reading We the Living by Ayn Rand.  I love it–the drama, the multitude of characters, the interwoven plots, the depth of detail, and even the long monologues of thought the characters spin.  Sometimes I have to stop reading because Rand’s book goes by and day into the early post-Revolution Soviet Union, and so drives the reader weary with the total cold monotony of Kira’s, Leo’s, and others’ lives.

Today I wrote a letter to the Western Courier about the university president, Donald Spencer.  In the last week some very unflattering things has come to light about his actions, and my letter will appear in the newspaper on Wednesday.

I have twice met in the last two weeks with the study abroad department of Western, to discuss an interest of mine of studying in England.  It would be great to live in London and experience British culture.  However, I need a 2.5 GPA or a 3.0 for a semester.  That means that the earliest I could go would be next fall, but I would want to go the fall of my senior year.

Some other tidbits (I thought I had banned that word from my writings)… WIU was on a scare-alert during the days leading up to Halloween because of some story involving a physic on Oprah foretold a mass-killing on three campuses, including Western.  It was supposed to happen in a dorm that looked like an “X,” and from above both Thompson and Higgins have an “X” form.  I was over at the CSC house with Jill and her roommates the Wednesday before Halloween, and saw the campus news broadcast about the whole thing, and they began to get a little scared.  The show stated that the murders were supposed to be dressed as Little Bo-Peep (a la Urban Legends?) and kill 15-30 people.  Walking home through campus at about 9:30, there were several groups of students talking about the coming slaughter.  Some did go home for the weekend, actually, mostly girls.  Bo-Peep never did make an appearance. …Vanilla Ice has released a new album… Chuck Berry came for Homecoming, and MTV came the next week with Third-Eye Blind and Eve 6.  Collinsville tried out for the Real World, but no call back as of yet.  Next Friday Tom and I am going to Illinois State for Pi Phi formal.  Allister Mack, a friend of Tom’s, is going with us.  How did we get into this again?  Well, there’s this girl from that is obsessed with Tom  and asked him to go.  So he has to have me go with me (of course).  My date is a Mystery freshman with a bubbly voice named SIU Heather, and she called me tonight to get to know me.

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