Trapped in a “Bottle”

April 13, 1999 Tuesday

I cannot wait until this semester is over, and in one month it will be.  The air is warm and leaves are on the trees, and I am trying to focus and finish the semester strongly. If all goes well, I should get As in the two Tama Baldwin English classes and Bs in the other two classes.  Grades have become very important to me (really), because I am going to argue when I return home that with improved grades I should be allowed again return to Western this summer.  Last summer was pretty boring, but with a house to live in this summer could be a lot better.

Yesterday I turned in a rough draft of “Bottle” to Tama Baldwin, to be work shopped tomorrow.  “Bottle” is a collection of poems that retells portions of Alice in Wonderland in a wilder and more fanciful style, perhaps with Carroll’s own poetic style in mind.  But when I have composed them, I have honestly thought less about other poets, and have leaned towards lyricists, most heavily leaning towards John Lennon’s more psychedelic lines as well as Roger Waters.  Because I only had the first two poems done, “Waiting in the Wings”and “Falling Up,” and a few more partially done, I don’t think it will be received less by the other seventeen in class. From my own works, “Bottle” is written in a style much like “Pie #3” no one at all got that piece.  It fell to the floor with a thud, so I could really be in for it.  However, when I showed Tama Baldwin “Bottle” last week, she said it was perhaps the best poem I have written so far (personally, I still think it’s “Wake Me When It’s Over,” which she does not care for).

There has been a question in my head.  Unfortunately, there isn’t an answer to it I can pull from a book and thus be satisfied.  This question scares me.  I wonder if I can function in a relationship.  Now, I don’t mean “Can I talk to a girl?” or “Didn’t know you’re supposed to hold door, idiot?”  No, nothing like that.  I’m still the same way about actually relationships, but my problem might have to do with rejection, and hence a wariness to commit  Alex is one example.  Julie is another.  Two girls with no “visible scars,” as Collinsville would say.  Both I was unable to get too close with.  I believe it stems for a subconscious thing, that I must feel that if I let myself become vulnerable then I will be hurt.  While I don’t think the two above would be such a thing, this is the only logical reason I can give.  But then, this would just be me saying they weren’t ultimately a fit.  For the time being I will go with this reasoning.  My song “Badge,” deals with the above problem.
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