April 13, 1999 Tuesday
I cannot wait until this semester is over, and in one month it will be. The air is warm and leaves are on the trees, and I am trying to focus and finish the semester strongly. If all goes well, I should get As in the two Tama Baldwin English classes and Bs in the other two classes. Grades have become very important to me (really), because I am going to argue when I return home that with improved grades I should be allowed again return to Western this summer. Last summer was pretty boring, but with a house to live in this summer could be a lot better.
Yesterday I turned in a rough draft of “Bottle” to Tama Baldwin, to be work shopped tomorrow. “Bottle” is a collection of poems that retells portions of Alice in Wonderland in a wilder and more fanciful style, perhaps with Carroll’s own poetic style in mind. But when I have composed them, I have honestly thought less about other poets, and have leaned towards lyricists, most heavily leaning towards John Lennon’s more psychedelic lines as well as Roger Waters. Because I only had the first two poems done, “Waiting in the Wings”and “Falling Up,” and a few more partially done, I don’t think it will be received less by the other seventeen in class. From my own works, “Bottle” is written in a style much like “Pie #3” no one at all got that piece. It fell to the floor with a thud, so I could really be in for it. However, when I showed Tama Baldwin “Bottle” last week, she said it was perhaps the best poem I have written so far (personally, I still think it’s “Wake Me When It’s Over,” which she does not care for).
There has been a question in my head. Unfortunately, there isn’t an answer to it I can pull from a book and thus be satisfied. This question scares me. I wonder if I can function in a relationship. Now, I don’t mean “Can I talk to a girl?” or “Didn’t know you’re supposed to hold door, idiot?” No, nothing like that. I’m still the same way about actually relationships, but my problem might have to do with rejection, and hence a wariness to commit Alex is one example. Julie is another. Two girls with no “visible scars,” as Collinsville would say. Both I was unable to get too close with. I believe it stems for a subconscious thing, that I must feel that if I let myself become vulnerable then I will be hurt. While I don’t think the two above would be such a thing, this is the only logical reason I can give. But then, this would just be me saying they weren’t ultimately a fit. For the time being I will go with this reasoning. My song “Badge,” deals with the above problem.